Have you ever had someone in your life who constantly says, 'I love you'? My mom is like this. I try not to get frustrated, but then there are times when she has said it so often that I want to scream, I KNOW! It took me a while to understand that this is a symptom of her extreme depression and anxiety. Just like with my children, when she says 'I love you' or any variation she is looking for confirmation that I still love her.
Now, that thought is frustrating too, because if I didn't love her, I wouldn't still take care of her. In my mind, my actions speak louder than any words could. So, I wrote this poem trying to put myself into my mother's shoes.
Do you love me
I don't do it on purpose
pathetic is not my choice
I do try to keep my emotions from the surface
but logic is quiet beside anxiety's voice
Anxiety whispers lies to me
I swear this is not about sympathy
but my brain is stuck on repeat
I can't move on till I get the response I need
I am worthless and a waste
the lie echoes as tears caress my face
Was that your voice or mine?
alone it becomes difficult to differentiate
I am unlovable
I know you have said it isn't true
but your words were clipped with annoyance
the lies intertwine and I can't break through
Repeating old conversations
reading between nonexistent lines
always overthinking
loneliness feeding the anxiety lies
The tone of your voice confirms my fears
you sigh at my old questions
burden, that's what I am
when the feeling overwhelms you hang up on my tears
I know this is not ideal for you
to constantly need to regroup
I promise I am trying
but I can't stop my brain from lying
So, when I say 'I love you' again
its more than sentiment
When I say 'I love you'
I just need to confirm
Do you love me too?
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