I want to take you back to September 1999. I was in the 5th grade. My day had not been good. I got in trouble three times for "not focusing" as my teacher put it. Not only had she gotten on to me, but by the third time she had lost her patience completely and there was no kindness in her tone. I do know I should be doing better, and I have tried my best. But my brain is stuck on a loop replaying my own personal horror movie.
The part of me that speaks is quiet and apologetic as I try to redirect and refocus. Inside, there is a part of me that is paralyzed and yelling "can't you see how different I am? Can't you see how everything has changed?" But of course, all the ugly renovations have only been done on the inside. By all outward appearances I am the same unchanged unremarkable girl I have always been. It's not the teacher's fault. I don't blame her for losing her patience.
For the briefest of moments, the thought crosses my mind to grab her hand, pour out all the darkness welling inside me, and beg for her help. A rough voice delivering a sincere and harsh threat locks my lips. "No one will believe you anyways" are the words that keep me trapped in this silent hell. Instead of pleading for help, I keep my head down and try to answer the questions on the paper in front me.
I never did tell. Not directly anyways. When I was much older and in the safety of my therapist office, I talked around the issue with my therapist. Silence felt like the only protection I had from the world around me. I know better now and if I could go back with the knowledge I have now I would speak up. But that
Hearing Jelly Roll's song Past yesterday brought this memory back in full force. The first time I can remember feeling completely and irrevocably changed and yet exactly the same at the same time.
I am not sure if any of you reading this have had a moment like that in your life. Even not related to abuse. A moment that abruptly altered you to your core. An alteration so big and dramatic that you could swear it was visible to the whole world, but in reality, the change only existed inside of you.
If you have, I am so sorry. I hope you have been able to use your change as a way to power your growth and propel you to a place of success.
"I pray that God will right that wrong
And she'll find a way to carry on
'Cause you ain't the hell that you've been through
You're more than what's been done to you"
-Jelly Roll: Past Yesterday.
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