Writing Ketchup Sandwiches was filled with many challenges. Perhaps the biggest challenge was navigating the ever-changing emotional waters I was wading through. Sometimes there were waves of immense sorrow, pain, and fear as I reopened and explored some of the darker times in my childhood. Other times I found amusement in some of the lighter but still pivotal moments. Then there were times where I found feelings of anger and angst as I worked through some of the questions that plagued me growing up.
In order to do my best writing and pull the reader into the moments with me I had to let myself live in those feelings. I reread old emails, letters, and journals so I could reacquaint myself with the way my younger self saw the world. Living in those moments and feelings definitely brought more emotion into my writing, but there were some pretty intense side effects as well.
I am not a full-time writer. In order to juggle my family, my job, and my writing I have to keep a fairly regimented schedule. I wake up at 3:15 each morning so I can workout, shower, and be ready to log into work by 5:00. Typically, I work for about 3 hours while getting the kids ready for school. Then I log out get the kids to school, come home, work till about 2. From there I get things done around the house, prep dinner, and then head to get the kids. Once the kids are home it is time for homework, dinner, baths and bed. Getting up so early means I am usually headed to bed right after the kids. There is very little 'down' time in my world.
Soooo when I decided to go full steam ahead with this book, I had to sacrifice some sleep and some of my 'down' time on the weekends. Lack of sleep combined with diving into the feelings and emotions of my abusive childhood led to some interesting mood swings. More than once my husband had to remind me that I was not still in those moments. I would be short with him and my kids. Often times my temper would flare over minor things. There were many times where I would have to put myself in my room until the mood had passed.
I minored in psychology in college. I remember talking about how our bodies store the physiological responses to trauma and they can reemerge when we are confronted with similar situations, but I didn't know forcing myself to remember my past would affect my body so intensely. I began to store stress in between my shoulder blades like I did when I was a kid. I found myself reacting to old triggers and having to ground myself more than I had in years.
After a particularly grueling writing session I would be distracted and find myself replaying things I had written about again and again. While replaying helped my writing and allowed for me to rewrite with more emotion at times, replaying those moments kept everything fresh.
This whole process was grueling, trying, and heavy. Despite all of the mood swings, physiological effects, and the sacrifices of time I have no regrets. I am so proud of this book. However, I do feel like I can relate to Hemmingway needing his whiskey.
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