I have worked so hard to pull myself up and build a life I can be proud of. I dreamed of sharing my story as a way of spreading hope and encouraging others to heal. Then, surprising even to myself, I actually wrote a book. I have been so incredibly blessed in so many ways. So, imagine my surprise when the realization that I may be self-sabotaging hit me full in the face.
Recently, I got to experience the joy of reconnecting with a wonderful human. This beautiful soul was a good friend to me during college. We used to spend several hours a day together every day working out, studying, and generally doing life together. She is one of those genuinely good and kind people who helped me to be a little freer at a time when I was so wrapped up in achieving my goals, I had forgotten how to have fun.
During the course of our conversation, I started to share with her what a beast marketing my book has become. Honestly, just the thought of creating content or writing a blog post has had me exhausted before I even began. I convinced myself that this was just not the season for me to push my book. After all, I wrote the book and that alone is an accomplishment. As I am pouring all this out to my friend, she kind of called me out in a way I didn't see coming. She asked if the problem was possibly that I was afraid of success.
Now, initially I heard her question and shook it off. I instantly started reciting all my reasons why I didn’t have time to market and why this was not the season. Firstly, I am a military spouse and making plans is challenging because I never really know what the future may hold. Then there is the fact that I have kids, and they are involved in activities that require me to commit my time and energy. I can't leave out my full-time job that pays bills and allows for my family to do fun things. But even as I was telling her these things I began to hear them for what they were. They were my excuses not my reasons.
I could not get her question out of my head. It circled around and around for the rest of the weekend. Finally, I admitted to myself she was right. I have been afraid of success. Afraid because taking care of my family has and will always be a priority. Afraid because pushing the gas pedal and going full steam ahead could mean putting my family in the spotlight. I will have to be disciplined in how I spend my time, which could mean less time to make memories with my babies and less time to spend with my husband. Afraid to push forward because any success has a good and bad side. What if I cannot handle the negative things?
Anyone of these fears is valid and deserving of consideration, but I don't want my book to be a blip. I don't want this book to just be something that I did and that is all. I wrote the book to spread hope and make a difference. When I sat down to write this book, I opened myself up in so many vulnerable ways because I believed that being open about my journey could help people on their healing journey. I still believe this.
So, no more excuses. I am making the time and pushing forward.
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