Have you ever had someone in your life who constantly says, ‘I love you’? My mom is like this. I try not to get frustrated, but then there are times when she has said it so often that I want to scream, I KNOW! It took me a while to understand that this is a symptom of her extreme depression and anxiety. Just like with my children, when she says ‘I love you’ or any variation she is looking for confirmation that I still love her.Now, that thought is frustrating too, because if I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t still take care of her. In my mind, my actions speak louder than any words could. So, I wrote this poem trying to put myself into my mother’s shoes.
Do you love me
I don’t do it on purposepathetic is not my choiceI do try to keep my emotions from the surfacebut logic is quiet beside anxiety’s voiceAnxiety whispers lies to meI swear this is not about sympathybut my brain is stuck on repeatI can’t move on till I get the response I needI am worthless and a wastethe lie echoes as tears caress my faceWas that your voice or mine?alone it becomes difficult to differentiateI am unlovableI know you have said it isn’t truebut your words were clipped with annoyancethe lies intertwine and I can’t break throughRepeating old conversationsreading between nonexistent linesalways overthinkingloneliness feeding the anxiety liesThe tone of your voice confirms my fearsyou sigh at my old questionsburden, that’s what I amwhen the feeling overwhelms you hang up on my tearsI know this is not ideal for youto constantly need to regroupI promise I am tryingbut I can’t stop my brain from lyingSo, when I say ‘I love you’ againits more than sentimentWhen I say ‘I love you’I just need to confirmDo you love me too?